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Tuesday, December 8, 2009

I've got nothin

I'm drawing a blank today. So it is a Christmas issue. I don't have a good Christmas story. Christmas is not the same without Mom. The holidays were Mom. When i was a kid it was always a trip to Grandma's house. As a grown up it was always Mom who found the meaning in the holiday. I have nothing funny to say. Making up a funny story is easy when you have a solid base. You can joke about something like the family Christmas celebration when there is a solid and a tradition to base it all on. What is funny? The prime rib might be cold at the wife's family? Or my family Christmas will?? What crisis? Can't make a joke about the Christmas tree cookies with icing cause there probably won't be any. There will be no games of ring on the string, no one will ask my Grandma if she wants to play pool and she won't say that she has never been in a pool hall in her life and is not about to start now-cause she's been pushing up the daisies in the Amity cemetery for twenty some years. Mom is not going to have some sort of accident two weeks before Christmas and I'm not going to end up cooking Christmas dinner for essentially the same reason. Such is life.
Here is the Daily Strumpet Christmas story from 1999 or 98 or somewhere in there. It is kind of funny. I thought I had all the issues in my computer but I changed programs. Indesign won't open Ready, Set, Go files so unless I can dig up the old PowerBook 180 out of the trailer the Daily Strumpet archives are gone...

Its Christmas Pretty Baby!

It is the day after Christmas at the home of the Daily Strumpet. We have listened two our two Christmas CD’s, Dwight Yoakum’s “Come on Christmas,” and Nate King Cole who sings “Oh Tannenbaum” in German with a very precise American accent.
We loved them for the first 150 times we played them, and that was last year,” exclaimed Budd as he quietly bumped his head against the wall while quietly moaning in time to Dwight singing “Mama said Santa Can’t stay.”
 “Of course that was last year,” said the lovely and gracious Mrs. Shepherd as she inserted stick matches under Budd’s toenail and the lit them.
“Whoopee! I just wannna Dance!” hollered Budd as his toes began to smolder.
Christmas at the little house in the big grass field seemed to all come in a rush this year for the Shepherds.
“We just got back from Mexico and it was December 8 and time to find a tree. The darling duo were somewhat intimidated by the double digit price of tree this yea and so put off the annual purchase with the hope of finding one on the highway.
“I found one and so did Uncle Harold. Those things fall off the trucks all the time,” said Budd. Noting that this part of Oregon is like the Christmas tree Capital of the world.
“You could buy one cheaper in Mexico than here,” he exclaimed. “And you could have a cute little elf in a Santa hat and Daisy-Mae’s deliver it for a couple extra bucks,” he noted.
“It’s a little different at the Amity Lions club. There for a couple extra bucks the old fart might even come out of his trailer and have a smoke,” he added.
Of course it is always a bit o f a let down after all the wild times had at the Shepherd Family Christmas.
Well usually that is. This year Rollan and Eileen went to Indiana for Christmas. Arlan and Shelly and Aunt Ruth were to meet at Mom and Dads with Budd and Laura but inclement weather forced a cancellation.
“We were dreaming of a white Christmas just like the ones we’ve never had. But, we got wind and rain instead,” said Budd.
The party was a bit smaller with just Budd and Laura and Mom and Dad.
“Just more food for the rest of us,” was the motto as the family chowed on ham with delicious pie for desert.
Christmas day Budd and Laura attended the Macy family Christmas at noon and they returned home for a small dinner with Dave and Shirley Miller and their three charming children.
“I really like to associate with people who have a good name,” said Budd.
“Plus I was worried we might not get enough ham to eat. You know Christmas is one of those times of the year when you don’t get enough to eat!”
Geoffery, Rhonda, and Christa seemed to be quite happy with their visit as there we enough computers, toy cars, cats, and dogs to pretty well occupy everyone.
Mrs. Miller and Mrs. Shepherd hob-knobbed in the kitchen and discussed girly things whilst the Daves engaged in discussions of important manly things such as the proper design of a Sim City simulation and ways to end world hunger.
“Yes it is important for Daves to get together. How else would anything in the world get done!” exclaimed Dave Miller.

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