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Tuesday, December 8, 2009

For Collieguy-Sneak Preview of Strumpet!

This is a draft a whipped out while sitting in my office this morning. (I love wireless internet) What do you think former Daily Strumpet subscribers? Should I do a whole issue?
I think I should avoid the use of the adjective "Pesky"
I do need a better lead...

Aliens Abduct LF Employee

Those pesky aliens have struck once more at Shepherd Farms kidnapping long time Shepherd Farms employee, Willaim J. Hall.
Even more disturbing evidence has been found pointing to a possible illicit probing  and body and attitude reprogramming involving this loyal and semi-dependable yoeman.
“It all started a month or so ago. Bill said he was coming to work on Monday and then just disppeared. I called later in the week to see if he had the Obama Flu and he said he would be at work on Monday. “Then he just vanished,” said LF assisstant to the assistant farm manager, Mr. Budd A. (assistant) Shepherd.
Shepherd says he was completely shocked by Bill’s absence. “I’ve know him to be early for work. Sometimes he has to sit and drink coffee with Uncle Harold as it is like 7:30 a.m. or something, and sometimes he tries to sneak in and work on Sundays, but the idea of Bill missing a day of work is unheard of.”
Authorities were called but declined to file a missing persons report. “It is really out of our jurisdicition. We only go after people not wearing seatbelts and really obvious Meth users,” said Amity Police Chief James Clark.
“Oh and skateboarders, skatebording may not be a crime but they sure are pesky little fellows,” he added.
Rumors persist that Bill may have had a job hauling Christmas trees for another farmer or that he was sitting on his arse watching TV.
“I am sure it was Aliens,” said Shepherd.
“Bill always calls and I know he could never stand to just sit around and watch TV,” he said.
Apparently Alien contacts have become more frequent according to noted radio personality Art Bell. People have been experiencing strange probing sensations especially during wine tasting sessions in Amity...
When Bill unexpectedley appeared for work the first Monday in December, most people did not recognize him.
“I knew it was Bill because it was Monday and Bill said he would show up on Monday and he would never mislead me,” said Budd.
Others at Shepherd Farms were somewhat skeptical. “It doesn’t look like Bill, I need to see his social security card, he could be an illegal alien. You know I have to send all that information into the state. What do I do with this letter about child support. Rollan isn’t here,” said Uncle Ted accountant of the year.
“I just hope he doesn’t use floor dry instead of sawdust, said Uncle Harold.
There is some speculation that an accident befell Bill before his untimely dissapearance the first rainy day of fall.
One anomyous sourse proposed the theory that Bill was running the venerable Minneapolis-Moline G706 and pulling a large flat-roller when he fell off the back and was flattened by the roller.
“The new Bill seems longer and flatter than the old Bill. This would be consistant with what happens to cartoon charactors when they are run over by a steam-roller or ran through the wringer on an antique washing machine,” said the source.
The Strumpet Editor, Budd E. Shepherd “pooh-pooh’s” this idea. “That is inferring that William J. Hall possesses attributes of a cartoon charactor and infact may very well be a cartoonish figure. I will in no way stand for Bill being placed in the same classification as Daffy Duck or any other Looney Toons Charactor, although when he carries a shotgun I once mistook him for Elmer Fudd-But that was only once!”
The Editor is more inclinded towards the Alien abduction theory. “There have been many unexplained helicopter sightings and my wife’s friend has not been around, plus one of Eileen’s chicken is missing. Not only that, most of the clocks in our house don’t work and that is a sure sign of Alien activity,” said Budd.
The question remains, was Bill probed and shapeshifted while in alien custody and did he infact enjoy the experience.
“The fact of the matter is that Bill seems much more happy, he is full of enthusiasm, he drinks more coffee, and he likes Bob Marley,” I think that proves something, “By the way, what is a spliff,” said the Editor.

2 comments:

  1. Oh Boy! A hard copy of the Strumpet! Christmas is too big too fail!

    Lead story is great straight reporting. 'Pesky' gives gravitasse a la Walter Cronkite, Walter Brennan, Walter Mitty, Pat Brady, Side Meat. Looking forward to the followup, 'Pesky Employee Abducts Space Alien, Sends Him Home With NOS MM Parts'. "Seemed to be working fine when we touched off the potato canon", anonymous employee said.

    Never the wrong season for a little intergalactic incident.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Interesting story. I have an award for you at my blog!

    ReplyDelete

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