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Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Riots in Amity Averted by Strategic Street improvements

A mildy annoyed crowed of three people gathered Monday night outside the Blue Goat to make sarcastic remarks about Faux News and the Koch Brothers, but were distracted by a park bench and an antique store.
"I sure do love my life of white privilege," said a local activist who would only be identified by his moniker, Disgruntled Steve.
"What we need in this town is more Bike Racks," he exclaimed. "And the curbs don't stick out far enough into traffic," he added.
"But, what about Ferguson," exclaimed a lady wearing a large wool sweater and ill-fitting leggings.
"Yes! Lets burn THE patrol car," said a bearded fellow who was sipping a $25 micro brew and had been waiting two hours for his micro-pizza, fifteen minutes longer than the other three people inside the establishment.
"We should have more diversity in Amity," said members of the city council. "Oh yes, diversity would bring up property values!" said another member, rubbing her hands together and salivating slightly.
"Not if they riot," said a grumpy man walking by on his way to the liquor store.
"It is Bushes Fault! and the Koch Brother's," exclaimed a fellow who just pulled up with his VW diesel pulling a trailer.
Tensions were high and someone was about to make a sign when Assistant to the Assistant to the Sub Assistant, to the secondary Chief of Police, James Clark, pulled up in the Amity Police cruiser and encouraged the VW driver to pull his trailer past the pedestrian island that takes up half the street.
"You wouldn't want a bicyclist to get hit by one of those pesky farm trucks, now would you! People might not come to wine tastings anymore," said James diplomatically.
At the words wine and bicyclists everyone began to hug each other and had a great time sipping wine and eating artichoke and peach pizza at the Blue Goat.
Meanwhile, at the skateboard ramp in the Amity Park..... well, nothing happened, everyone things have gotten much more "mellow" in Amity in the last week. But, try and buy a bag of Doritos in Amity....


  1. I considered driving over to Amity for the riots, but I was concerned that someone would spill one of the local red wines on my clothes. That stuff's hard to get out than me at 6am on a rainy day.

  2. A thought! Perhaps we should all burn our homes and businesses in solidarity?

  3. No, that's not the idea, MV, you're supposed to burn your NEIGHBOR'S home!



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