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Tuesday, January 7, 2014

I arrive home to happiness and sunshine and a letter from the alumni relations director!

I'm home...
It was a long flight...
It all started at 3:30 a.m. this morning in Tamp. We were supposed to catch the first shuttle at 4:45 a.m. We rushed. I'm not an early starter and neither is my daughter.
Neither was the shuttle driver.
He arrived at 5:15 a.m.
He also was not able to connect the large number of bags with the seating in the van and loaded up all the bags before the riders figured out there were more of them than there were seats.
"It is ok, I will return, right back!" he exclaimed.
"Ten Minutes, No probleem," he said.
It was more like 20 but who was counting. Well other than the people who needed to catch the 4:45 shuttle.
When he returned I noticed the numerous signs encouraging gratuities.
He quickly loaded the bags and exclaimed "no problem" several times.
This made everyone feel so much better.
Then he had a problem with his iPhone.
He fixed it by pressing really hard on the button at the top of the phone and staring intently at the blank screen. I was hoping the German speaking passenger in the front seat would plug the phone in for him but he did not.
After a few moments which seemed like ten (but who was counting) the driver realized that the problem was not that the button did not work, but rather, the phone was not actually connected to the battery charger.
And away we went.
We did not actually hit the curb at International House of Pancakes.
Then his phone rang. He was able to hang up on the caller. But unable to call them back. He was able to dart into traffic and several alert drivers missed running into us.
He figured out how to return the call.
But not right away.
"I arrive quickly," he said.
He also changed lanes and very nearly wiped out a Prius. He never even saw it.
We did make it to the gate on time. There were only five people in line. My wife got in trouble with the TSA fellow for putting the plastic tote on the floor to put her shoes in it. He had just advised people not to do that. He said he "could not believe," she was doing what he just told her not to do. She said she did not understand him. He said he probably needed to speak clearer.  She did not get the sarcasm. He did have a heavy accent.
I was so worried about my wife and daughter going into the little TSA room that I forgot to take out my containers of 2 oz liquids or my wallet, or the water bottle in the side pocket of my backpack. My wife offered to give up her nail clippers. The agent said they didn't take nail clippers away, but he did take her bottle of suntan lotion even though it fit in the ziploc bag. I doubt she will be using it in the next few months anyway. But.. if she would have left it in the backpack it would have gone though.
I went right though. Didn't even set off the alarm with the change in my pocket.
So... if you are a terrorist all you have to do is make the TSA rent-a-cop feel important and you can tote a small thermonuclear device though in your backpack. But, you can't have the detonator in your shoes. They will check for that.
It is raining and cold and muddy in Oregon. I probably should start on the Vitamin D pills tomorrow morning.

If you feel like reading on,

So I came home and checked my mail.
I ignored all the bills and opened the letter from my Alma Mater. I always get amusement out of their fundraising efforts towards myself.
After all, I do have a job.... A very good job.... if you know what I mean.
But aside from my potential employment at GoodWill...
George Fox is tearing out my fountainscape!
I feel a great sense of loss!
First of all, I never knew that my graduating class had actually installed a fountain at GFC before it became Gee F U!
Also, I have been confused for the past 24-26 years as to what year I actually graduated from GFC. I don't recall ever attending any sort of class meetings, I'm almost positive I skipped orientation, I think I went to graduation, I'm almost positive I had a diploma, although there was some doubt if I would ever get the actually paper as I owed $5.75 on my tuition bill for a couple years which I forgot to pay.
And, I really have no idea exactly what a fountainscape actually is. Perhaps someone has a photo. I read an article online about "manscaping," and I found that rather frightening. I only hope that a fountainscape does not involve hot wax and a kind of poofy guy with funny hair.
If so, that could explain the GFU facebook group I was recently invited to join.
I do appreciate the letter from GFU apologizing for removing my "fountainscape" and assuring me it was done in the name of progress.
I am almost certain the letter was really signed by the Vice President for Advancement Strategy and Donor Relations himself or herself which ever it may be. I am somewhat in awe of the title. I'd like to have a job with a title like that.
Perhaps something like, Assistant Advisor to the President of the Poop and sit back down in it Farm Department of Coffee Drinking , Couch Sitting and Customer Avoidance, Resource Management Authority? But in the interest of a long term commitment add "For Life," to the end of the title.
So to summarize my intellectual development today:
1. Apparently I graduated from George Fox College in 1987
2. I possibly voted yes on something to do with a fountain
3. That fountain alteration/improvement/whatever, is now being bulldozed in the name of Progress.
4. George Fox wants me not to feel bad about it.
But I do have questions.
What is a fountainscape? Can you really shave a fountain? Why would you want to shave a fountain? If not shaving, then wouldn't the wax plug up the jets? Is it like a Brazilian? Or is a Brazilian a term for a lot of money just a little less than a Ga-Zillion?
And, if I would have gone to Fox for the full four years and did the whole group showering thing as a freshman in Penn One would I feel more connected? Is it that lingering sense of shame that unites the Alumni or did everyone just really bond in that class where we were supposed to say what kind of animal we thought we were? Did I really pay $14,000 to hear that the girl next to me thought she was a cheetah? I mean, I had already found that out on my own? But, did I get extra credit for that? NOOO...
I think I really need to hug someone right now!


  1. Guess you'll have to settle for a cosmic hug from yours truly, Budd (since I don't have the time to come out and give you the real thing). You don't suffer from cacomorphobia, I hope.

  2. Would you settle for some fresh roasted coffee?
    fountainscapes: Bubbling urns or spitters.
    Really! I just read it so it must be true.

    1. I donated a bubbling urine spitter? Now that is just gross.
      Mmmm coffee. I like coffee.

  3. I thought for a minute there you were talking about the "real George Fox". Our good old Canadian country music singer who I think you might enjoy listening to. He is not the legendary stardust cowboy of course.

    1. I shall investigate the real George Fox. Not the Quaker George Fox. I don't think he sang much country western music.

  4. that was an amazing update. glad you got home safe and i'm sorry for your fountainscape troubles. if i was in that class i would have said i wanted to be a platypus so that i could be in between worlds. that always freaks them out. everyone always says dolphin but once you whip out the platypus then people start noticing you. wait.. does Muddy have coffee?

    1. I think I said I was a giant three toed sloth or a turtle or something. I think I was so amazed that I got a grade school question in an upper division seminar on communication that I went blank. Or I was just impressed by Miss Kitty next to me. I just found out it was 25 years ago.

  5. Bulldoze and progress in the same sentence always makes me uneasy.

    1. I like bulldozers but progress always is a bad thing.

  6. I proof-read my post this morning. It makes a little more sense after a few changes. Sorry.

  7. It all good, glad you made it back ok.

  8. It all good, glad you made it back ok.

    1. Hi Bobby, how is school? Was thinking of you in FL!


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