I've been
Right now she is at an extremely low spot.
I found her several times in my wandering around the internet.
I think I first found her old blog doing a search for Powells Books.
Then I saw her on a blog.
She was kind of vilified by a conservative blogger when she worked on a democrat party campaign. I think she drew devil horns on the republican candidate or something. She wrote about being sent to the Legion Hall to do sign ups and being successful because of the dress she wore or being cute and female or something. I thought that was pretty funny, the blogger got all sanctimonious-"those evil democrats, how unprofessional, blah, blah, blah." I did a search with her name, but then lost the links. Later, I also found her on blogger as she likes Johnny Cash and the book Into the Wild.
Later I did another search for her and turned up all sorts of info so I kind of feel like a stalker.
So, after finding her in several places I finally bookmarked her blog. Which went private for a while and changed and them came back and whatever. I don't really remember the chronology of the whole thing and I think all and all it has been over the course of a couple years or so.
I don't follow her blog on blogger as I see worlds colliding should our followers mingle.
I suppose if I met her real life it would be strange but I also suppose if Orin, Ralph, Gorges, Ed, Collieguy, Bobby, MuddyValley and several Anonymous poster all met there would be some awkward silence. Until we got into a debate about studebakers, International trucks, and if we should eat at Ashe's or the Blue Goat and those durn democrats and bicyclists. Hmm, perhaps it would be fine.
But, I digress...
The girl is a good writer and I like how she comes up with stuff that sounds deep and intellectual which is actually what I want to be but end up being silly and sarcastic. It is like sports writing, you get to use all these cool terms. My attention span/memory is too short to quote anyone literary. Perhaps its is because I'm turning into a bug... (ooh a reference to Kafka!-but not a very good one)
Her crack ups really make me feel sad. I think it is because she is what I want to be, except for the drug addiction, how she supplements her income, being a socialist, all the annoying hippie guys she hangs out with... Which leaves, music, writing, being able to drop everything and travel the world with an overnight bag and a camera, the one-out-of-thirtyfive-non annoying hippie, various literary references, and being a girl. I suppose the girl identity is ok as my daughter seems to be happy, I think I am too old to change....
I'm writing all this to my blog because of an anonymous poster on hers. The poster pointed out the obvious in a short terse post. But didn't leave a name. This made it all mean and not helpful. I am sure that age 30 she realizes she is a tad messed up. In fact she does not hide this at all.
However, after reading her blog I feel a lot of empathy for her and hate to see it all end badly. Beautiful train wrecks are great in books and songs and poetry but in real life it is not beautiful. A talented life destroyed is a terrible thing to see.
All my years of tying unrelated scriptures into Sunday School devotions and I have no great insights and no words that I can see helping her. I would just be another preachy idiot and that would be that...
My philosophy- One foot in front of the other. You get your arse out of bed and go to work. You focus on moments of happiness when the happen and remember them for times they don't. You put your trust in God and rationalize a positive outcome out of negative events.
My observations from reading her blog, people don't always tell the truth but it doesn't mean they are purposely lying. There are certain things that a guy cannot accept even if they say it is fine and enjoy the end results. People are not really open minded, it is a lie... Do not ever take drugs. It does not expand your mind. George Dickel is not that much better...
Now I am going to work.
If you know me and read this blog good for you. I'm writing while in the bathroom so bugger off, I'll be out to load your #$%^&*ing hay truck or tell you what field to rake in five minutes. Be a $%^&* self starter, have another cup of coffee but get the %^&* off my porch...
Here is a link-keep in mind I've followed a lot of her adventures and so kind of feel like she is a literary character-lake the protagonist of a novel. You are just invading her personal space.
Note:I will probably remove the link this evening. This may be a disappearing post. I would like to hear what others of you think.
Posts
wow, she is messed up alright. Maybe I should have read more posts but the first one just left me feeling hopeless. Of course it is late in the evening after a long day harvesting and I have neither the time or patience to get into heavy reading........
ReplyDeleteRalph, I see your point. I've read her adventures on the previous blog that I lost the link to. She walked across Mexico when she was something like 18. She has a flicker page where she has photos from all her trips. If I would have just started reading at a low spot I probably wouldn't have continued. The thing that nags at me when reading her posts is that it doesn't matter you economic status, if you were oppressed, if you were a trust fund baby, if you were poor, if you become unhappy/depressed you can't escape it. It doesn't make any rational sense to anyone else. They can see the way out. But you can't. I go through this with my employee from time to time.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, hope your harvest is going good. Nice to see someone making some money. I've been working ground but I kept falling asleep so I quit. I auto steer but instead of a beep I need an electric shock...
You are right, when we are down, it's hard to see the forest for the trees. Still, one definition of insanity is believing that you can keep doing what you are doing and somehow magically receive a different outcome. It takes a lot of faith and hope to believe that you can try something different and get a better outcome. Instead, many of us just keep doing the same stupid things because it's easier and less painful than change. What a sad life for her--so much potential wasted on ne'er-do-wells and drugs.
ReplyDeletenotallthatfrumpy, but you can change...It is beating the odds, but people do beat the odds. There is no real answer except for you must never, ever, give up. Anyway, there are many people suffering pain. There are few who articulate it so well. I'm not sure what the point of it all-is but I feel empathy.
ReplyDeleteyou guys all neglect the fact that i have managed to stay clean for periods of time like a year, 6 months, 5 months (just recently, until i relapsed in june). my life is not hopeless. I am thankful for having a wonderful man, despite that i have put him through hell lately, he is still supportive and amazing (and not a hippie at all, not sure where you got that from. he hates hippies). i think i have accomplished quite a lot despite being a heroin addict on and off for 9 years, and having other misfortunres... it's not like i've been miserable my whole life. you just read one entry that happened to be during one of the hardest parts of my life, so don't judge a person on their absolute worst moment. thanks. but feel free to keep reading, i'll be you that i get better and make it in the end...
ReplyDeleteNew world, I sort of just dumped everyone in on probably a historic low point. Sorry about that. The hippie comment results from a terrible stereotype many grumpy farmers have of referring to anyone with longer hair and natural fiber clothing as a hippie, I am sure it is completely unfair. Anyway, it was supposed to be more supportive than judgmental. People here tend to be eccentric and independent which should be somewhat of a good match.
ReplyDeleteSo I read back over my post and I think I was trying to be too clever.
ReplyDeleteWhat I should have said was, here is a link to a blogger who has some really interesting adventures, is a good writer, but is having some serious problems at present. She is perhaps from a different perspective than us grumpy and weird farmer types but I find her interesting.
I hope for the best...
That is what I thought I was saying but I didn't say that. I'm not sure why I feel it is necessary to comment on other people's lives...
The end...
I must admit that her blog is a bit of a stereotype-breaker for me as I tend to think of drug users being barely coherent. Although she writes of a life that I am scarcely able to comprehend, I feel a certain empathy for her situation and hope for the best.
ReplyDeleteThere are many people on herion that are completely functional, holding normal jobs, while continuing on a mantenance dose. Except for the addictive factor, it doesn't tear up your body like the amphetamines. It is an incredibly hard habit to break. I wish her all the best and hope she finds the strength in herself to stay away from it at some point.
ReplyDeletemuddy and orin -- yes, one of the reasons i keep my blog public and and am open about my addiction is that i want people to know that not all addicts are losers with no teeth. i have had a lot of addict friends over the years and many of them were some of the most interesting, intelligent, kind and generous people i've ever met. but none of them have a public blog about their use; heroin addicts tend to hide in the shadows. i'm not like that. i had a blog starting in 2001 before i was an addict, and as my addiction progressed i wrote about it... if you want the password to my older blogs, you can read about my descent into madness. it's quite interesting for me now to read back and see how my obsession turned into this neveremding nightmare.
ReplyDeletealso, muddy, you're right that many addicts have respectable middle class jobs. you should all read the book "heroin from a to z"... it's by an upper class woman who went to a prestigious college and had a high paying job at a financial company in NY in the eighties, and she was a heroin addict, and her circle of friends included many other types you would never consider being drug addicts.
and yes, heroin does little harm to your body (as long as you use clean needles), compared to meth, coke, alcohol, and tobacco ... where it gets you is in your mind. especially when you shoot it like i do, the rush is instantaneous...
if you take someone who is impulsive like me, impatient, thinks she can live forever, a perfectionist, and an anxious wreck, and add heroin to that equation, addiction is almost inevitable. i became addicted when my neighbor at the time (who is 15 years older than me) fell in love with me and started giving it to me free as a way to get me to hang out with him. i was going to reed college and my stress about my reading and homework was so intense that heroin helped me be able to concentrate and get my work done. i had no idea that addiction could happen so fast, after only 7 days of use.
but anyway. this comment is getting way too long. thanks for recognizing that not all addicts are worthless losers who would be better off dead.
<3 becky