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Monday, August 2, 2010

A random post about bible school and sex and cynicism

Warning! Puckerbutt alert!
If you are easily offended please feel free to comment. Although, if you are easily offended why are you reading a blog titled, "the Daily Strumpet." Have any of you former subscribers ever seen the early editions of the Daily Strumpet? What about the extremely rude caption accompanying the photo of the very fat girl playing softball? Or the comments about the neighbor lady and her "iced tea" or offensive comments about those I worked with at the News-Times? Perhaps you have not... That is for the best...
Today was not a good day for me. I've been feeling a bit elderly. The crops look bad, I have no retirement, attractive young women do not want to steal me away from my loyal wife. (It felt good to have that as an option. Although it only happened once and I kind of panicked and ran away. Long story...)
Which leads us to the story which will offend people. My employee and I were talking about life and where we went wrong and why I am depressed today. So I got to telling him about things which made me cynical.
Where I started to lose my faith was not in Cultural Anthropology class with the psycho atheist lady. It was not the classic argument of why bad things happen to good people. No busloads of school children going off a cliff shook my faith. I've read the book of Job and I get it.
It all started going wrong one day in my early teens when I was in the old Bible Book Store in Salem. It was just after a series of inspirational revival meetings where I was kind of tempted to go forward but not quite overcome by the convicting power of the Holy Spirit and I might very well have but I kept thinking of the very attractive neighbor girls running around in cutoffs and bikini tops and I sort of lost my focus on the sermon. The plaintive melody of "Just as I am" always got to me but I figured it was mostly the chord combination and the emotion of the crowd so I kind of thought I was being manipulated anyway.
No, I found a book. It was titled 101 sermon illustrations and in it I found the little story of sin and redemption that the evangelist had told as his own. I wish I could remember the story but I was shocked. I mean it was funny he got it out of a book, but isn't that cheating?
Which reminds me of another story of when I was at Rosedale Bible Institute. (I didn't do so well there I don't think. I just got back for a trip where I backpacked around Europe, although i was much too shy to get into trouble, I could have if I would have wanted to. I had just had my first taste of alcohol at the Hieniken brewery in Amsterdam and I thought I was pretty damn sophisticated) The professor was telling a story of his days in prison ministry and the dangers of alcohol and I think county-western music. His illustration had to do with a prisoner who had the imprint of a cowboy boot on his face and who was going to swear off drinking. I thought it was a joke and I laughed out loud. I was the only one. Everyone stared at me.... Um I kind of lost my point there.... Oh that makes me think of another story from Bible school.
We could stay up late and study in the school classrooms. In one room was a kid I really didn't like and his clever friends. My friend and I were in the other classroom. The other kids had got into the kitchen and stolen ice cream and they didn't give us any. So.. We pushed a cart full of chairs down the stairs. You would not believe the amount of noise.
We ran back to our desks and started studying.
The dean came running up the stairs two at a time. He was in mid yell when he stuck his head in our room. We had our noses buried in our books. "What was the noise," My friend, asked? The dean sputtered and ran to the other room. They were all making lots of fuss about the noise and trying to hide the ice cream. They got in a lot of trouble. Their protests were in vain...
Where was I?
Oh, yes! Where I went wrong with sex.
It was in perhaps seventh grade. I don't think it was sixth as I can remember the ugly institutional lime green heaters. I was setting in the back of the class with the ne'er-do-wells  and this guy and girl were talking about sex. Now at age 13 I knew absolutely nothing about sex. This was before the days of sex ed in first grade. We didn't get sex-ed until we were freshman at least. Which reminds me that we had this really nice and sweet teacher for sex ed and I talked one of my class mates into asking her if anal sex was a good form of birth control. She turned beet red and kicked him out of class. I actually felt bad...
But, I digress...
So, I kind of perked up when hearing about this mystery subject from the seedier members of my class. They were talking about "staying power," and the guy claimed he could go for hours and the girl said she could go all night. I kind of knew what they meant but at that point in my life I had not even seen a naked boobie although I really wanted to and the thought of it all just kind of made me feel guilty.Which for some reason i kind of liked. We will not go in that direction at all this evening...
So I just turned around and looked at them. They of course started to make fun of me, which was amusing in itself. Sort of like the time in History class in High School that the girl behind me told me that she had multiple organisms, I turned around and said, "you mean Orgasms," and she said no you idiot I have organisms and I said, "Yeah, I bet you do," and she thought she won the argument.
But, I digress.
I was looking at these two kids trying to one up themselves on sex.  That is when it hit me. The girl was ugly. She perhaps had a nice figure but she was wearing a dumpy grey sweater. Her hair did not have the lustre of the ladies underwear section of the Sear catalogue. Her nose was very large and frankly she had an unpleasant disposition. She said "fuck" a lot and it kind of disturbed me and not in a good way. The guy didn't smell all that good and he was wearing this three-inch wide leather wrist band with a broken watch and when I looked closer it was held together with a twisty tie off a loaf of bread.
Looking back I realize that they were sad and insecure people who needed God's love but I didn't see that then.
No, it all came to me clear as day. Ugly people had sex too. They probably had a lot more sex than the clean cut nice looking people I had seen in my imagination. And they did not know they were ugly. And well, I really thought at that point I would just wait for marriage. I've been a bit cynical about the whole sex thing since then. I hear one of those country songs about strawberry wine and instead of the romance and a cute girl in love, I see an underage plump chick with bad posture and a scraggley haired 20-something farm hand getting it on down by the creek. Sometimes It is hard for me to get past the low budget porn film that plays inside my head.
Perhaps I need therapy...
Um, I did read over this post which is something I never do and I forgot the whole point of the story so I guess it is not all that offensive. Perhaps some other time...


  1. This is my first read of the day. I'm sitting here cracking up with laughter. I wasn't offended by your thoughts. Actually, I understood where you were coming from.

    Thanks for putting a smile on my face this a.m.

  2. msladydeborah, thanks! I'm glad you got a laugh. Some things that seem traumatic are really funny after a few years! No comments from the usual suspects so I better go back to farming posts! Have a nice day!

  3. I apologize for dereliction of usual suspect duties. Been running farmer hours in the fiddle & banjo business. Random posts are fine reminders of the glory days of the Daily Strumpet!

  4. Collieguy, I found an old Daily Strumpet the other day. Perhaps I'll post about my almost-a-great girl friend who hated cats and chinese people. That was a feature story...


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