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Saturday, January 26, 2013

We venture off the farm

One of my faithful followers invited my lovely wife and I to see Bob Newhart at the Spirit Mountain Casino.
The above statement sort of makes me seem like a guru or something but I've actually known him for years and he doesn't actually follow me around, he used to read "The Daily Strumpet" newsletter and he is registered as a follower of this blog.
I think we need to get off the farm more....
My wife signed up as a "Coyote Club," member so we could get $10 of the buffet. I was in favor as you can also ride the gambler's bus to the Casino. I didn't realize this would not be that great a benefit as it only goes from retirement centers to the Casino. You can't get off in Fort Hill or Grande Ronde. Of course I can't really imagine why you would want to get off in Grande Ronde, although there is a really good used bookstore and used plumbing supply store.
But, I digress...
Upon arrival we discovered we had to gamble to activate the card. Neither one of us really understood how to operate the machines and so we decided to have a soda whilst we contemplated how to run a digital slot machine and waited for dH and wife.
We should have waited in the buffet line.
The Pepsi tasted quite strange and it cost $4. It either had been cut with cough syrup or had gone a little flat. For some reason we had a strange compulsion to have another and then gamble.
However, the cigarette smoke, flashing lights, and strange beeping noises that sounded like the planter monitor alarm was starting to make we a little claustrophobic and so we attempted to find dH.
The buffet line was a long wait.
About three quarters of the way though the idea came to me that we should have seen Bob Newhart first and had the buffet last.
But we all had a nice chat. I was happy to see no one from church or the surrounding community.
The buffet was ok. I miss the days of my childhood when my grandparents would take us to the King's Table buffet. They were always amazed at the abundance of food. I liked the medieval motif.
They had very good steak. The ribs were no where near as good as Uncle Jack's BBQ in town.
We did have to rush to see Bob.
Bob was ok. He is getting up there in years. His joke about Jimmy Hoffa being found when they scrubbed off Tammy Faye's makeup was just a touch dated.
He did the skit where he was a driving instructor.
I missed about a quarter of what he said.
I'm not sure how leaning forward in your chair and squinting can make up for poor sound, bad hearing, and terrible acoustics, but I tried.
Which gets me to my objection to the whole thing.
I really hate the casino. (no offense to dH)
I get the once in a lifetime chance to see Bob Newhart before he croaks. You may laugh at this but Bob was one of the defining characters in American comedy. He comes to the casino!
Bob and his opening jazz band would have been incredible in a small venue. Bob at the Elsinore? That would have been amazing.
But the casino has this huge room, completely free of acoustic tile, and with a sound system bought from the same place that supplies airports and gymnasiums and they must pay well.
Either that or it is my hearing...
After the show we realized I had forgotten to turn in the card for the discount for the buffet. So we though we would win it back by gambling. Once again we were stymied by the flashing lights and beeping alarms and not understanding exactly how you are supposed to gamble. I thought Adult Attention Deficit Disorder made you MORE susceptible to gambling?
We spent five dollars and we won back $3.50. Sort of like paying taxes.
I would say that all in all we had a good time. It was nice to see our friends again. Bob was funny. It is nice to see a live comedy show where the humor based mostly on the dropping of F-bombs.
You would think that with all the money the tribe bilks out of the poorest people of Yamhill country they could at least build a decent concert hall. Perhaps the could have taken some of the money they spent on the overpass they built to put the Fastway Gas station and accompanying restaurant out of business and bought a few acoustic tiles.
It was kind of funny that Bob made a few Asian jokes but no Indian jokes. I guess Asian jokes are fine. I would have rolled over laughing if he would have made a comment about smoke signals or wigwams but you can't bite the hand that feeds you!
Have a nice day...


  1. Guess it was whay you could call a learning experience.

  2. On my one and only trip to Vegas, my cousins and I went downtown, looking for cheap blackjack tables.

    When we asked the bartender at the Golden Nugget where we could find a $4 table, he sent us down the street to the Golden Gate. He'd given us the bum's rush, as the Golden Gate also had $5 blackjack tables the same as the Golden Nugget.

    We went back to the Golden Nugget for one of my cousins to use the bathroom. I thought I'd throw a few nickels into the slot machines while we waited, but I kept hitting small jackpots and just couldn't get rid of those nickels.

    When we got back to our hotel, I took my pocketful of nickels to the casino cashier and got one chip, which the cashier handed me with a sarcastic "good luck."

    Now I'm going to spend the afternoon listening to Bob Newhart on iTunes.

  3. Never been there, probably never will go. I don't feel the need to pay that kind of tax. Maybe I'm not poor enough.

  4. I guess we do need to get out in the "real world" once in a while. Although I think I have better sound and comfort right here at home. Only an hour from a big gambling casino but I always bring out the old joke about farming being a big enough gamble for me.


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