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Saturday, July 24, 2010

Emergency advice for a harvest moon occurance and the Last Round in the hay field...

I should be getting the irrigation going but I have to post this letter from a loyal reader with a crisis!
Perhaps some other readers will have words of wisdom for him.

Dear Lazy Farmer,

I thought about asking Dear Abby, but that would have taken too long. I couldn't get through to Dr. Laura, so I thought I'd ask you. My question is as follows:

One of my combine drivers has a problem with his arse. More accurately, his lack thereof. We're not talking plumber's crack here, we're talking full posterior nudity. It's almost like a bad freeway accident, you HAVE to glance at it. It is a safety issue too, as you are then blinded for a second and you do a full body shiver, causing you to momentarily lose control of the equipment you are operating. He was unplugging the feederhouse today and his pants might as well have been at his knees. I quickly crawled under and began unplugging from the stone trap just so I was spared the visual. Let's just say I now know WAY too much about his preference in tighty-whitey brands! I thought about offering him the bottle of sunscreen that has been floating around in the service truck.

The guy doesn't have much of a sense of humor, so how can I bring this up to him tactfully? He wears a belt but it's not doing the job. Would it be out of line to buy him some suspenders? Tell him I'm only looking out for him and that I don't want him to be hauled in for public indecency? He's a retired ODOT worker and very safety minded, maybe I should bring up the safety issue...or the skin cancer issue?

I eagerly await your reply.
Blinded in Bellfountain

Well Orin, 
This is an issue that has plagued mankind since the invention of the belt. The simple answer would be overalls. Overalls are a plumber's best friend. When your hips loose their definition and your levi's start to droop you have to make the switch. We have this problem in our community with loggers. They have an aversion to overalls as it makes them look like farmers. Many have adopted the double support system. Suspenders and a belt. Suspenders work really well for loggers as them come printed with logger advertising.
So, I would suggest a couple options.
You could issue all your employees lightweight coveralls with their names printed on them. You could say it was because you were so proud of them and of your Massey combines that you wanted them all to wear a uniform. It could be "team Orin" and you could do high speed combine pit stops with a crew like the Indy folks have. And a trophy girl for the most combined acres in one day.
Or, you could buy him some of those suspenders that say John Deere on them. All farm employees are easily influenced by free John Deere promotional materials.
My wife saw some of suspenders at Goodwill that said something about a Safety Award. That might be a good idea.
We went through this at our farm as well. I took a photo of his other smile and posted it around the farm with the caption, "Our Leader."
Unfortunantly he did not show up to work for a couple days and I kind of forgot where I put all the signs. Eventually he found them all. He got quite angry. I thought he was going to punch me. It is not a fair fight when the person is laughing so hard he can't even run away.
After that he switched to overalls.
That approach may not work for you!

I have perhaps told this story but it is was so traumatic that I must tell it again. Once we were working on the baler. I was wedged in the bale chamber and the employee was handing me something. As he pulled himself up on the baler he ripped his overalls. Now mind you, I am in the bale chamber on my back and unable to move. Suddenly there was a ripping noise. I should not have looked but I did. There, inches from my face was evidence that 1. He goes "commando" under those farmer blue's, 2. He needed talc really bad!
The convulsive shudder that followed was more like a seizure and I bashed my head into the hay dogs. Now I just wear dark sunglasses. It makes everything look better.

In other news, We are done with hay here is the photo to prove it.

I gotta go! Going to haul 7 truckloads of hay that I don't know were to put or who to sell it to. I'm going to get my daughter to help tie stacks. Yes that is seven! Seven 24 ton loads. Eight blocks of 56 bales per load, something like 160 tonnes! What am I ever going to do with all this hay!!!!
(runs off screaming!)


  1. Blinded in Bellfountain could work the safety angle by pointing out to Mr. Retired ODOT that the only member of the Lewis and Clark expedition to suffer a gunshot wound was hit in the hiney by a nearsighted member of the party who thought he was tagging an elk. Possibly due to exposure caused by lack of kybos along the trail.

    It would be to Retired's considerable disadvantage to have his posterior region mistaken for a giant nutria that had gone to ground under a combine by some half drunken lout with a 22-250.

  2. Sounds to me as if too many years of farming has caused you to finally crack up. Guess the sight DOES sort of give new meaning to the song "When the Moon Comes Over the Mountain."

  3. collieguy, that angle might just work. He's an avid elk, deer, turkey, goose, etc. hunter!

    I kinda hope he doesn't have internet! Scratch that, I hope he does.

  4. I should add that the situation has one distinct advantage: the opportunity for inside jokes between the younger driver set and myself. Such as: "Oh no, it's getting dark and #5 combine is at the other end of the field with no lights. What to do? Oh well, we'll just have M. go down there and the reflection off his arse will light the way!"

    Things are a lot funnier at just the right stage of harvest exhaustion!

  5. A beacon of light in the darkness and dust of the harvest field.
    Would that be a Harvest Moon?!


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